


Blissful Ignorance

by OnlyOneWoman



Category: Black Sails
Genre: Alternate Universe, Charles Vane is a doctor, Child Neglect, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Eating Disorders, Friendship, John Silver is a bartender, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Modern Era, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Students, Unresolved Emotional Tension, fatigue, flatmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-19
Updated: 2016-06-26
Packaged: 2018-07-16 00:44:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 12,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7245415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlyOneWoman/pseuds/OnlyOneWoman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Black Sails characters in modern time. Billy Manderly is a student and part time coffee shop worker, who share a flat with John Silver, an Aussie non-drinker working as a bartender. John is very secretive with his background, but usually a very quick talker and totally hopeless when it comes to keep order. For various reasons, some problems occur that actually shouldn’t have surprised them, but sometimes you are too close to see what’s really going on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Billy had never associated mornings with the scent of coffee. Mornings used to have a smell from porridge, weak tea and disappointments. He’d never been a morning person either and the only thing that seemed to make him wake up properly, was the daily morning jog. When he came back, had taken a shower and left the bathroom, he could always smell Johns coffee and hear the purring sound from the old brewer his Aussie flatmate had brought with him the day he moved in.  
  
John Silver was okay. At least he didn’t smoke, played crappy music loudly or was late with the bills. And whenever he brought a girl home, he didn’t try to wake up either Billy or their neighbors. After two years with five different flatmates getting on his nerves, Billy actually didn’t care about John always forgetting to do the dishes (as long as he did it when being reminded of it), scattering his clothes all over the place and being distracted to the point of appearing blind and deaf. Sometimes during breakfast, Billy actually just sat totally still without touching his food, only to see how long it would take for John to react. The high score was eleven minutes and thirtysix seconds and John never seemed to get that Billy clocked him, or even looked at him intentiously.  
  
This Tuesday morning, for once Billy didn’t have to hurry. He had no class until after lunch and could take some time just sitting with his breakfast, reading the news on his cell and wait for John to discover he’d moved his bowl with cereals just out of reach, while John was staring at the crossword page in a magazine, holding his spoon in one hand, his pencil in the other and not moving either of them.  
  
”Morning.”  
  
No answer.  
  
”Good morning.”  
  
Nope. Didn’t even raise his head. Billy took one of John’s socks from the floor and put on his flatmates shoulder.  
  
”Good morning, John.”  
  
Silence. Fucking unbelievable. Billy moved the bowl a little bit further away, making sure it scraped towards the table surface.  
  
”Don’t do that…”  
”Good morning to you too, _sweetheart_.”  
  
John finally looked up. He didn’t seem very tired, only a bit surprised, as if the thought of his flatmate making a conversation during breakfast was something strange.  
  
”Right… Good morning.”  
  
Billy gave a concearning smile.  
  
”You didn’t sleep last night?”  
”Yeah I did but, you know, it takes some time to wake up. Have quite the take-off run in the mornings…”  
  
_I know, but lately it has increased in an almost ridiculous way_ , Billy thought and took John’s cup.  
  
”More coffee?”  
”Please.”  
  
Billy rose and John finally discovered his cereal bowl had got legs. He snorted.  
  
”Very funny, Billy. Really. What is it… the twohundred and sixteenth time?”  
”Actually I think it’s closer to twohundred and fifty.”  
”I’m glad you’re easily entertained.”  
”I said good morning three times, scraped the table and put a sock on your shoulder.”  
  
John brushed it off and maintained a smile not reaching his eyes.  
  
”You should know by now I’m not a morning person.”  
”No, you’re more of a morning zombie. When did you get off yesterday?”  
”About twelve thirty. Was a calm evening.”  
”You’re working tonight?”  
”Don’t remember. What day is it?”  
”Take a guess?”  
”Monday?”  
”Guess again?”  
”Alright, Tuesday then.”  
”Congratulations. You know, for being an abstainer you’re showing some disturbing signs of bar related amnesia.”  
”Ha. Ha. Ha.”  
”So?”  
”So what?”  
”Are you working tonight?”  
”No. But I have some things to do.”  
”What things?”  
”Some laundry. And we’re out of spaghetti and toothpaste, I think.”  
”I was shopping yesterday. And did the laundry.”  
”You were?”  
  
Billy shook his head.  
  
”What’s going on, John? These last weeks you only seem to get more tired and it’s actually really hard to get your attention. Not only in the mornings.”  
”Oh, I’m _so sorry_ if I’m neglecting your need for attention!”  
  
He went up from the table, left his hardly touched breakfast and seconds later Billy could hear John’s bedroom door slam. Billy reached for the newspaper and continued with his bagel. Sometimes it just wasn’t worth the trouble.  
  
TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Sails characters in modern time. Billy Manderly is a student and part time coffee shop worker, who share a flat with John Silver, an Aussie non-drinker working as a bartender. John is very secretive with his background, but usually a very quick talker and totally hopeless when it comes to keep order. For various reasons, some problems occur that actually shouldn’t have surprised them, but sometimes you are too close to see what’s really going on.

When he woke up, it was well past lunch time. Billy had left for class hours ago and the apartment was silent. John went to the kitchen, still feeling really tired. The kitchen surfaces were clean and at the table was a little paper bag, one of those Billy sometimes used to bring home from work. A note was left beside. _Didn’t wanna wake you up. I’ll bring dinner tonight. Love/B_  
  
Billy in a nutshell. If he couldn’t make you talk, he’d make you pissed and if that didn’t help, he’d leave one of his stupid little notes and something to cheer you up. John opened the bag. It was his favourite croissant from the coffee shop where Billy worked part time. The pastry smelled and looked delicious. John put it away. It was very sweet of Billy to use his break to bring him this, but John wasn’t hungry and not wanting the little gift made him feel like a shit. Had been a complete asshole this morning, just leaving breakfast and barking at Billy for no good reason, like some fucking teenager.  
  
Truth was, John had never been that kind of teenager, but he imagined his behavior this morning could be counted as that of an overly emotional, out acting sixteen year old with fucked up hormones. Not a twenty-nine years old, freely abstaining bartender. And he really didn’t know why.

In an attempt to ease his conscience, John took out the garbage, cleaned up his scattered things, vaccumed and filled the washing machine with another load. At least Billy wouldn’t need to add filthy socks to the dinner. When he was almost ready, and very tired, he found Billy’s old ragged hoody tucked under one of the couch pillows. Without actually knowing why, John buried his nose in the soft fabric. It was a sweet, kind scent. Billy’s scent. John began to cry.  
  
Why the fuck was he so tired? Why did everything feel like he was wandering in a mist? He had no appetite, didn’t sleep well and he took it all out on poor Billy, who’d done nothing to deserve it. John sobbed into the old hoody for quite a while, ’til the tears seemed to dry out and the well known headache took over.   
  
TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Sails characters in modern time. Billy Manderly is a student and part time coffee shop worker, who share a flat with John Silver, an Aussie non-drinker working as a bartender. John is very secretive with his background, but usually a very quick talker and totally hopeless when it comes to keep order. For various reasons, some problems occur that actually shouldn’t have surprised them, but sometimes you are too close to see what’s really going on.

”Haven’t seen John in a while. Did he meet someone?”  
”Meet someone?”  
  
Billy realised how surprised he sounded as Anne rose her eyebrows. They had a short break before the three o’clock rush started, when loads of teenage girls used to stop by the popular coffee shop on their way from school for some treats and gossip. Billy worked about three days a week and Anne and Jack used to joke about how the clientel changed when Billy was around. Anne sipped on her black coffee.  
  
”I take it that he doesn’t see anyone?”  
”Not really, no…”  
”He hasn’t grew tired of my soy vanilla latte, has he?”  
”I don’t think he’s very interrested in any kind of coffee at moment. Or food.”  
”Is he ill?”  
”Claims he’s not, but he has no appetite.”  
”Since how long?”  
”A couple of weeks or a bit more.”  
”Shit… that’s bad, Billy. Has he not seen a doctor?”  
  
Billy laughed. A short, joyless sound.  
  
”Good luck getting him to see a doctor. Stubborn as hell, that little shit…”  
”How long have you two been living together?”  
”Bout a year and a half. He’s been low before, but he doesn’t usually loose his appetite. Went home at lunch break to leave a croissant for him. He was sleeping.”  
”If he doesn’t eat, he’ll get ill.”  
”I know. Was thinking of getting some nice takeaway for dinner. Tandoori chicken, perhaps. He loves that.”  
”He’s lucky to have you.”  
”He doesn’t _have_ me and I don’t _have_ him. We’re just flatmates and grateful we didn’t do worse.”  
”As I said: he’s lucky to have you.”  
”Yeah, whatever.”  
  
Billy swallowed the last of his coffee.  
  
”Here they come… The highschool demons.”  
”Prepare for battle.”  
  
They both smiled and the old joke, as they went to take the orders from giggling, blushing girls who still tried to learn to appreciate coffee.   
  
TBC  



	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Sails characters in modern time. Billy Manderly is a student and part time coffee shop worker, who share a flat with John Silver, an Aussie non-drinker working as a bartender. John is very secretive with his background, but usually a very quick talker and totally hopeless when it comes to keep order. For various reasons, some problems occur that actually shouldn’t have surprised them, but sometimes you are too close to see what’s really going on.

”John? Wake up, sleeping beauty.”  
  
Didn’t know why he used to give him silly nick names, but at least it got John’s attention. He was sleeping on the couch and had obviously made an effort to clean up a bit. Billy put the dinner at the kitchen table and sighed as he saw the bag with a half eaten croissant. Why the fuck didn’t John eat?  
  
”I bought Tandoori. You want soda?”  
”No thanks, I’ll have water. This was very nice of you.”  
  
John smiled a little, which made Billy ridiculously happy.  
  
”Thanks for cleaning up. What should we watch?”  
  
Mostly, they used to have dinner in front of Billy’s laptop, watching a movie or a series.  
  
”We could continue with Dexter.”  
”Sure. You want yogurt and bread?”  
”Always.”  
  
Billy tried not to show how relieved those words made him. John’s appetite had decreased gradually over more than four weeks, but these last ten or twelve days Billy had actually gotten worried. After all, they’d lived together for almost eighteen months and despite not being very close or even friends in the way you usually were with friends, they actually enjoyed spending time together. At least before John started to act strange. Or, to be honest, _more_ strange. John used to be a very swift talker with a dashing smile and glittery eyes, always sharp and analytic with a dark sense of humor. But getting close to him, well that was a very different thing. Sometimes Billy wondered if John’s ”normal” behavior, was nothing but a mask.  


They ate in silence and Billy sometimes looked at John in secret, to see how he ate. It went very slow, but you could tell John really tried and it was a quite large portion. When the signs of struggle became more obvious, Billy rose.  
  
”I’m gonna save some for later. You wanna save some too?”  
”Yeah, I think I’ll do that. It tasted really nice, Billy.”  
  
The relief in John’s face, knowing he could stop eating without being questioned or appear rude, gave Billy an almost desperate wish to hug his flat mate and tell him it was alright, that he didn’t have to force himself to eat more to please Billy if it made him feel sick. All Billy wanted, was for John to feel good.  
  
”You want some coffee?”  
”Think I’ll have tea. Sit down, Billy. You got me dinner so I’ll do the coffee.”  
  
At least there was a pattern, Billy thought. John’s ability to talk increased in the evenings. Not that you could say he was talkative, but you didn’t have to wait five minutes for an answer and sometimes there was even eye contact.  
  
John brought him a full cup of coffee and tea for himself. Billy patted on the sofa.  
  
”Wanna cuddle?”  
  
Direct questions like that to your flat mate would sound _very_ odd to anyone but John. Actually they’d never discussed partners, sexuality or anything in that way – for all that mattered, John could be straight, bi, gay, bicurious or even asexual. Billy had never seen him show even the slightest of that kind of interest for anyone. But for some reason, the curly headed Aussie didn’t only love to cuddle, but was also very relaxed when it came to cuddle with _him,_ as long as Billy didn’t touch his hair or put his hands under clothes or more private areas. Not that Billy’d actually done that, but it wasn’t hard to figure out it wouldn’t be welcome – and Billy wasn’t interested in doing so either. John nodded.  
  
”Yeah… Can I borrow your hoodie?”  
”Of course.”  
  
_Always covering your hair when you’re close to me, John. Is it just my physical touch you can’t stand or every ones? Some super sensitive nerves that makes it uncomfortable, or is it something else? Is it too intimate or did someone do something with your hair that make you freak out if it’s touched? Some of all too many questions I really wish I could ask…_  
  
John put the hoodie on, took his tea cup and placed himself in Billy’s lap. The very second he leaned back, Billy could feel how tired his flat mate was. Anne was right, John definitely needed to visit a doctor. But since the morning had been a disaster and John finally showed some signs of normal behavior, Billy had no intention to ruin the evening by rising that question.  
John soon became heavy. It wasn’t uncomfortable at all, but it made Billy worried feeling how tired his flat mate was. The half full tea cup almost slipped off his hand, and Billy took it and put it on the floor. John moved his head.  
  
”Sorry ’bout this… Did I pour it out?”  
”No.”  
”Guess I’m a bit tired…”  
  
_No shit, Sherlock?!_  
  
”Sorry for being this boring, Billy… Want me to move?”  
”You’re not boring, you’re tired, stupid. And I don’t mind holding you. Not at all.”  
”You’re always so kind to me. You know that, don’t you?”  
  
_Thank you, sweetheart. It’s good to know I’m not intruding too much._  
  
”You seem to have that impact on me. Don’t worry if you fall asleep. I’ll just carry you to your bed later.”  
  
The sigh. The hand grasping for his fingers. The almost inaudible words.  
  
”Thank you…”  
  
_… for not asking, not questioning, not scolding, not touching. For not leaving?_  
  
TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Sails characters in modern time. Billy Manderly is a student and part time coffee shop worker, who share a flat with John Silver, an Aussie non-drinker working as a bartender. John is very secretive with his background, but usually a very quick talker and totally hopeless when it comes to keep order. For various reasons, some problems occur that actually shouldn’t have surprised them, but sometimes you are too close to see what’s really going on.

_Eighties night…_ John sighed. That didn’t mean the music _he_ liked from that decade. No Slayer, no Iron Maiden and sure as hell no Venom. It meant a lot of radio hits, too much Madonna and people acting like fucking high school students on the dance floor. Being a non-drinker working in a bar visited mostly by college students was like taking classes in the most pathetic sides of human behavior.   
  
”Hey there, handsome! Do you work here?”  
  
_No, I’m just standing in the bar, looking at you fucking morons acting like primates for fun._   
  
He forced himself to smile at the girl, and by the way she blushed, he assumed he’d succeeded.  
  
”I am. You want to order something?”  
”A piña colada, please.”  
”Coming right up.”  
  
He turned around to make the drink.  
  
”Do you like working here?”  
  
_I would, if I didn’t have to deal with people, yeah…_ He forced another smile and put the drink in front of her.  
  
”It’s a nice job. That’s five thirty.”  
  
She payed but didn’t leave. No, of course it was a _great_ idea to keep the least social person in the bar company. John cursed in silence. Now he had to make an effort to act happy and outgoing, if not to risk the reputation of Max’s establishment. Max was a nice boss and the job was good so John could neither afford to, or want to give her a reason to sack him. The girl kept smiling, sucking on the straw in a way John assumed was an attempt to appear sexy.   
  
”You work here full-time?”  
”It varies. Sometimes there’s more to do, sometime’s not.”  
  
_And sometimes I have to call in sick because I just can’t leave my room or even my bed, even though I have no good explanation to it, so I just blame it on allergy issues I really havn’t had any problem with since high school.  
  
_ ”Good choice of music you have here. I love Madonna.”  
”Eighties theme is quite popular, yeah.”  
  
She laughed.  
  
”You don’t seem to like it, thou. What do you listen to?”  
”Metal.”  
”Oh! Like Linkin Park and Nickelback? I love them!”  
  
_Please don’t... It was so nice of Billy to buy me my favourite dinner and I almost finished half of it. Don’t make me throw it up.  
  
_ ”Are you a student as well?”  
”No. I just work here. Excuse me, I have to take the next order.”  
”Of course.”  
  
Being this tired, he would normally wish for less customers, but rather a never ending line with thirsty students, than trying to talk to someone who obviously went on full flirt mode, without appearing rude. He didn’t get off ’til four and had about six hours left. John took a deep breath and looked in the bar mirror to make sure he didn’t look too miserable before he turned to next costumer.   
  
_If you can’t get out of it, try to look as if you enjoy it._ _Don’t let anyone see you’re about to break down, especially when you don’t even know why…_  
  
TBC


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Sails characters in modern time. Billy Manderly is a student and part time coffee shop worker, who share a flat with John Silver, an Aussie non-drinker working as a bartender. John is very secretive with his background, but usually a very quick talker and totally hopeless when it comes to keep order. For various reasons, some problems occur that actually shouldn’t have surprised them, but sometimes you are too close to see what’s really going on.

”It was only a question, Billy! If I’d known he didn’t feel good…”  
”It’s not _your_ fault, Max. I’m sure he never said a word about feeling bad.”  
”He didn’t, no. He said there was no problem taking an extra shift. He should’ve called in sick.”  
  
Billy sighed. It was two blocks left.  
  
”The fact is, John never say anything about things like that if you don’t literally force him to. Don’t blame yourself. How is he, by the way?”  
”Still a bit nausious, I think. He’s in the backroom, resting. Luckily we don’t have a very busy night.”  
”Guess that means I can take him home?”  
”You _have_ to take him home! Can’t have my staff fainting in the bar. He’s been looking a bit tired the last week, but I thought he was just like, you know, tired in a normal way.”  
  
_A bit tired?_ Yes, of course John had put all energy on appearing well and happy at work. It was clear he didn’t feel very good, but if it took so much effort to appear normal at work, it was no wonder John acted like a sleepwalker at home.   
  
”I’m getting there in five. Tops. Just keep an eye on him, alright?”  
”Of course. Thank you, Billy.”  
”No problem.”  
  
A little while later, Billy was sitting on the bus back to the apartment, having John leaning on to his shoulder.    
  
”Fucking faggots!”  
  
Morons. Show any fucking kind of closeness or tenderness towards another guy without making clear it’s a joke, and you’ve gotta be gay. Sometimes Billy really hated men. Luckily his lenght and very muscular body usually was enough to have guys think twice about causing any real trouble, but it was still fucking tedious. Billy took a tender grip on John’s arm.   
  
”Wake up, buddy. It’s our stop.”  
  
Walking turned out to be quite difficult. The apartment wasn’t far away from the bus stop, but John clearly had a problem to walk. After the first block, Billy just got sick of it all, and took John in his arms.  
  
”What are you doing, Billy…?”  
”Getting you home, what does it look like?”  
”I have feet…”  
”And not enough energy to make use of them. At least not if we’re to be home before dawn. I’m carrying you no matter what, so don’t waste what little energy you’ve got left to protest.”  
”Thanks…”  
  
_For picking you up? For not letting you take the bus home by yourself? For holding you close to me on the bus, being something safe to hold on to? Or for caring about you at all…? I don’t know you, John. I really don’t…_  
  
  
TBC


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Sails characters in modern time. Billy Manderly is a student and part time coffee shop worker, who share a flat with John Silver, an Aussie non-drinker working as a bartender. John is very secretive with his background, but usually a very quick talker and totally hopeless when it comes to keep order. For various reasons, some problems occur that actually shouldn’t have surprised them, but sometimes you are too close to see what’s really going on.

The following days, Billy stayed at home. Explaining the situation to Anne and Jack wasn’t difficult and luckily the course Billy currently was taking, didn’t have that many lectures. Studying at home was no problem if you had the discipline to do it, which Billy Manderly had.  
  
John mostly slept. Billy threatened to call a doctor despite what John wanted if he didn’t eat, and since John knew his roommate probably would follow up with the threat, he tried to eat. Billy made him small portions and snacks on a tray by the bed. Some noodle soup. Apple slices. Tea and toast. He wasn’t hungry and the whole eating process made him feel sick, but once he’d finished and had some rest it felt a little better.  
  
He didn’t throw up, but he cried. Only when he was sure he’d be left alone, and he always tried not to make sounds. Didn’t want Billy to know, because he couldn’t explain it to him. Maybe his sweet, caring flatmate suspected it already, since he’d left his old hoody by John’s bed and didn’t take it out. Mostly Billy left him alone as long as he ate, but after four days, he didn’t leave with the tray from the supper. Instead he sat down at the bed, gently caressing John’s shoulder.  
  
”Sweetheart… I know you probably don’t want any suggestions at all now, but you really need to take a shower.”  
”Don’t care.”  
”But _I_ do! You can go back to bed later, but if you don’t take a shower we’ll soon have a sanitation problem here. To be honest, you reek.”  
”Leave me alone. I mean it…”  
  
Billy sighed and left. He went to his own room, trying to focus on next weeks test, when he heard the shower. He rose quickly and went back to John’s now empty room, opened the window and changed the bed sheets. John’s pillow case was wet and the irritation Billy’d felt vanished. What could’ve made his flatmate so sad?  
  
When John left the bathroom, dressed in jeans and a clean t-shirt, the door to his bedroom was locked. Billy sat on the balcony and John, trying to breathe calmly, went out to him.

”Give me the key.”  
”No.”  
”Give me the _fucking key_ , Billy.”  
”So you can bury yourself again? Don’t think so.”  
”I don’t care if you’ve looked after me like some kind of nurse, or that you’re bigger than me. If you don’t give me the key now I’ll fucking punch your face.”  
”Go ahead. At this point, any kind of activity from you is a fucking improvement.”  
  
Billy rose from the balcony chair and looked straight at him. John swallowed and lowered his gaze.  
  
”You said I could get back to bed…”  
”But I didn’t say _when_ , right?”  
”You’re a fucking asshole! You know that?”  
”It’s called _caring_ , you idiot! We’ve lived together for eighteen months, and you expect me to just step aside and watch you destroying yourself?”  
”I’m just tired!”  
”No, you’re not. ’Just tired’ stopped existing weeks ago. You don’t eat unless I force you to and you can’t manage your work. Now you don’t leave the apartment, and the last days not even your room. You’ve stopped taking showers for fucks sake! I know you have your ups and downs, but not like this, John. I’m worried and angry. And I feel fucking barred from your life.”  
  
John winced.  
  
”You don’t have to look after me, Billy. We’re flatmates, nothing more.”  
  
Billy made a bitter laugh.  
  
”Only because you won’t let me in...”  
”What?”  
  
The curly headed man looked all perplexed. The hair was still wet from the shower. The hair you couldn’t touch. Billy sighed.  
  
”Look, John… I admit we’re flatmates, but I’ll tell you you’re nothing like the other guys, or girls, I’ve lived with. I didn’t call them sweetheart, I didn’t cuddle with them and they didn’t make me sick from worrying.”  
”I can move.”  
”Do that, and I’ll be your fucking stalker! I can’t force you to talk to me, live with me or even like me, but _you_ sure as hell can’t force me to stop caring. You hear that, John Silver? _You can’t make me stop caring!"_  
  
John pressed his lips, threw a hard gaze at him and went back to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.  
  
TBC


	8. Chapter 8

_”Finish your meal, John.”  
”I’m full.”  
”You know the rules. You have to clean your plate. Remember there are lots of children who will never know what it’s like to go to bed with a full belly.”  
”It’s not that I’m ungrateful, Mrs. Greer, but I really can’t eat anymore. I feel sick.”  
”So that’s how you feel about my food? It makes you sick?”  
”No! No, not at all, Mrs. Greer! It’s really nice.”  
”Then why don’t you finish your meal?”  
”The portion… it’s just too big. I don’t mean to be rude.”  
”Well, if you’re so full, maybe you don’t need any breakfast tomorrow. Or lunch.”  
”Please, Mrs. Greer, I didn’t mean to…”  
”Go to your room and wait for Mr. Greer to come home. He’ll deal with you.”  
”But I liked it! I really tried to finish it… Please don’t tell him!”  
”Go to your room. Now!”  
  
”The boy’s hair is too long.”  
”Hey, I’m sitting here!”  
”You keep your mouth shut. Alma, you have to give him a haircut.”  
”But I like my hair, Mr. Sanderson!”  
”One more word from you kid, or I’ll take my belt off.Those stupid curls are going off, you hear me? You look like a girl.”  
”I don’t and you don’t touch my hair!”  
_  
”… touch it! Get off me!”  
”John? John, wake up! You’re having a nightmare!”  
”Fucking… cock sucker! I hate you, _I hate you_!”  
”Sweetheart, look at me! It’s me. Billy. You’re dreaming.”  
  
The nightmare scattered and he was back in his own room, his own bed and his hair was firmly attached to his head. Billy was holding him, stroking his back and mumbling soothing words.   
  
”It’s alright, John, it was just a dream. I’m here buddy… There’s nothing to be afraid of…”  
  
These nightmares… He actually thought they’d vanished for good. In Johns currant condition of malnutrition, exhaustion and depression (though _he_ didn’t know that would be the correct terms for his state the last weeks) the line between dreams and reality had turned more unclear. _He was so tired…_ And Billy holding him as he panted and tried to get back to the reality… The reality where Billy was his flatmate, the time with the Greers had ended fifteen years ago and no one layed a hand on him anymore. Not the Greers, not the staff at the orphanage, not the police… Not girls or boys that didn’t take no for an answer. No one. He was free and his body was his own. No one but Billy touched him and never ever in malice. His flatmate shouldn’t see him like this… John took a deep breath, trying to get a grip on the presence.   
  
”I’m fine, Billy… Really.”  
”You’re soaked.”  
  
He’d forgotten how much a nightmare like this made him sweat. John shivered and Billy stroke his arm.  
  
”Take a shower. I’ll make some tea.”  
  
TBC


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Sails characters in modern time. Billy Manderly is a student and part time coffee shop worker, who share a flat with John Silver, an Aussie non-drinker working as a bartender. John is very secretive with his background, but usually a very quick talker and totally hopeless when it comes to keep order. For various reasons, some problems occur that actually shouldn’t have surprised them, but sometimes you are too close to see what’s really going on.

Changing the sheets wouldn’t do. The mattress, the pillow and the blanket were soaked as well and Billy put it all in the laundry basket. _Don’t touch my hair! Don’t touch it!_ Those words were not adressed to him, but to someone appearing i John’s nightmares. Billy couldn’t make any sense of it. He knew John had been uncomfortable with girls touching his hair, but Billy assumed it was due to some soreness or maybe John just being sick of people touching it all the time. Grumpy, angry, anti social or not, John was very good looking and Billy had seen lots of girls trying to hit on him – and touch him – at the bar. As far as Billy knew, his flatmate hadn’t have sex in months and certainly not a date of any sort.   
  
He filled two cups with hot water and green tea. Caffeine at this hour was not a good idea. John came out from the bathroom, looking a little bit more relaxed. Billy looked at him as natural as possible.  
  
”We’ll wash your blanket and pillow tomorrow.”  
  
John just nodded and sat down in the sofa. Billy felt the usual urge to hug him, but hesitated.  
  
”Can I hold you, John?”  
”If you like to…”  
”Was asking what _you_ want.”  
  
John bit his lower lip. The old hoodie was in the laundry with the sheets. Billy knew the look and rose. He went to his wardrobe, took out another hoodie and threw at John.  
  
”Use this.”  
”Thanks…”  
  
With his hair covered, John let Billy hold him. He leaned against his chest, took small sips from the tea and slowly the worst feelings from the nightmare faded away. He sighed and Billy put a hand to his chest, lightly stroking it with his thumb.  
”I wish I knew what’s making you feel so bad. I know you don’t want to speak about it and I won’t try to make you. Just want you to know that I wish you felt… you know, _safe_ with me…”  
  
John swallowed.  
  
”Look, I’m not you, Billy… I can’t talk about stuff just as easy as you. Not like this.”  
”You think this is _easy_ for me?”  
  
He raised his voice without realising it and John, who’s nightmare had barely faded, began to cry.  
  
”Please, Billy, not _now_ … Don’t yell at me, please?”  
”Fuck… John, I didn’t mean to… Are you crying again? God, I’m sorry, I’m not angry with you, I’m just so fucking worried and I hate to see you feel like this. I wont yell, I promise.”  
”I know I’m… pushing you away all the time.”  
” _It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you…_ ”  
” _There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do…_ ”  
  
They smiled, John through his tears. They had lived together for about a month, when a girl in Billy’s class invited them to a party where John, out if all people, had won a stupid karaoke contest with Toto’s _Africa_ and the fucking song didn’t get out of John’s mind for a whole week, so he teased Billly by singing it. _If I suffer, you should too, because you brought me to the party._ A different time, a different John. But of course, they didn’t know each other back then and the only things Billy associated his new, dashing flatmate with, was glittery eyes, a swift tongue and a very sharp mind. And the girls that adored him _. I always make it very clear to them it’s a one night stand and nothing more, Billy. I never promise or even hint about something I’m not up to, I swear._  
   
_You don’t make promises, because you know all too well how it is to be abandoned, don’t you?_ Billy wanted to ask after six months with girls throwing disappointed and angry looks at John, but he never dared.  He stroke his flatmate on the hand.  
  
”Getting tired?”  
”Yeah…”  
”You’ll sleep with me?”  
  
John looked so surprised Billy had to laugh.  
  
”Not sleeping _with me_ , stupid! Sleeping _next to me._ ”  
”You kind of gave me a heart attack there…”  
”I want you to sleep, not get into a choma. And your bed is no good ’til tomorrow.”  
”Only if you sleep next to the wall.”  
”If that makes you more comfortable.”  
  
_You need an emergency exit? Alright, sweetheart. I won’t ask. Not now._  
  
TBC


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Sails characters in modern time. Billy Manderly is a student and part time coffee shop worker, who share a flat with John Silver, an Aussie non-drinker working as a bartender. John is very secretive with his background, but usually a very quick talker and totally hopeless when it comes to keep order. For various reasons, some problems occur that actually shouldn’t have surprised them, but sometimes you are too close to see what’s really going on.

They went to bed fully dressed and John had his hoody over his hair. Billy had no thought of anything else and he was pretty sure John understood that. Billy’s bed wasn’t very big, but it was certainly better than a wet mattress or the old couch. At least John didn’t cry anymore. He seemed almost calm, laying with his back against Billy. Billy grabbed his hand shortly.  
  
”Try to get some sleep now, sweetheart.”  
”Yeah… Night, Billy. And thank you.”  
”Don’t mention it. And promise you’ll wake me up if you don’t feel… you know.”  
”Promise.”  
  
John was tired, but then he always was these days. Billy’s warm, firm body felt safe. It wouldn’t do him any harm, he was safe now _. And if the nightmare came back this night, Billy would be there, he wouldn’t wake up alone…_ That thought followed John to his sleep and when Billy heard his flatmates steady breathing, he exhaled with relief.  
  
Having John in his arms like this was something he’d wished for a long time. To get a little closer, being allowed to comfort him a bit, pulling him out from whatever thoughts and memories that haunted him. John was a strange person. He could talk, tease and flirt with anything that moved, Billy had seen it, but you couldn’t get him together. He never seemed _really_ interrested in girls – or boys, for that matter – that fell for him. He’d slept with some girls, but it was always a one night stand and the clear lack of interest John had showed the last months was what had made Billy so surprised by Anne's comment. _Did he meet someone?_ Picturing John in any kind of company except him just seemed… odd these days. _  
  
_ John slept calmly now, and Billy began to relax a bit too. _Did he meet someone?_  No, but I honestly wish he would see a doctor. Or a shrink. Or at least call home. Home? John had never spoke about a home. A place, yes, Glenelg in Australia, but only as an answer to ”where are you from?”. Didn’t have to mean he actually used to _live_ there. He’d mentioned parents, also ”from Glenelg” and a couple of times he’d left for a trip, answering the question ”going back to Australia?” with a plain ”yeah” and nothing more. Since he didn’t seem to want to talk about it, or asked Billy about his family, Billy quickly came to the conclusion that his new flatmate wasn’t interested in discussing families or homes, so he’d dropped the subject altogether.    
  
But maybe there was no family or home to discuss? Billy didn’t speak to _his_ parents, but the reason for that was simple and awful: they’d both died in a car accident when he was about nine and he’d lived with his aunt, uncle and cousins until he went to college. The best family you could wish for, if you couldn’t keep your own folks, and he used to visit them during longer breaks and holidays. They loved him as their own and Billy had come to hate people who asked why his name was Manderly and not Gates. Maybe that’s why he hadn’t pushed forward when John so clearly had shown he didn’t appreciate questions – or felt the need to ask any.  
  
_A blank page, a new life with someone nice enough to live with, but in the right distance not to ask questions… You wished for that, sweetheart? Loosing my parents, moving to another place… Of course I was fucking devestated, but I was never completely alone. When the pain threatened to take over, someone would always take my hand and if they couldn’t drag me out of it, they stood by my side, holding me tight and wated for the waves to calm. But what happened to you and why the fuck have we never talked about it in any way? Why did I not insist…?_  
  
TBC


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Sails characters in modern time. Billy Manderly is a student and part time coffee shop worker, who share a flat with John Silver, an Aussie non-drinker working as a bartender. John is very secretive with his background, but usually a very quick talker and totally hopeless when it comes to keep order. For various reasons, some problems occur that actually shouldn’t have surprised them, but sometimes you are too close to see what’s really going on.

”Good morning, sweetheart.”  
”Good… morning… What time is it?”  
”Seven thirty.”  
”You’re off to school?”  
”No. Have no classes today. And no work.”  
”Then what the _fuck_ are you doing up this early…?”  
   
He was hardly awake. The bed was very nice and warm and John really didn’t want to leave it. Hadn’t have a sleep this good in weeks and he buried his head in the pillow. Billy chuckled.   
  
”Just couldn’t sleep anymore and I’m hungry. How about I make us some breakfast and then you can sleep again?”  
”We didn’t marry last night, did we?”  
”Of course we did and I’m carrying your baby. I’m just being nice, John, and you need to eat.”  
”I’m not hungry.”  
”I know that, but if you eat before you’re really awake, maybe you don’t think about if you’re hungry or not?”  
”Congratulations. It’s only seven thirty and you’ve already come up with most stupid idea of the day.”  
”And the prize is to bring you breakfast. If you don’t know what you’d like, I pick something and then you’ll decide if you want it. Okay?”  
”Jesus… we _are_ married.”  
”In that case…”  
  
Billy leaned down and gave him a light kiss on the cheek.   
  
”I’ll wake you up later, sweetheart.”  
  
John just turned around and went back to sleep. He woke up from the sound of the coffee brewer and Billy apparently doing stuff in the kitchen. The scent was lovely, but the warm, dry bed was as well. He hadn’t sweat like a pig in Billys bed, despite being fully dressed. He arose, more rested than he’d felt in weeks, and went to the kitchen. On the kitchen counterstop two glasses with something looking very much like smoothies were standing. Billy looked at him with his usual kind gaze.  
  
”Thought perhaps one of these would be a little easier to eat first thing in the morning. It’s mango and pineapple.”  
”They look delicious.”  
  
They actually did. Still didn’t feel hungry, but smoothies were kind to the stomach and John sat down at the table and took a sip.   
  
”Do you like it?”  
”Yes. It’s not too sweet. Thank you, sweetheart.”  
  
Billy smirked and finished making his sandwich.   
  
”If I might say so, you look quite rested.”  
”I am, actually. Think I slept really good. You know… after a while.”  
”If you need to and feel like it, you can sleep next to me whenever you have a… well, night like that.”  
”What if you have a girl over?”  
”I have two shoulders and two arms. You don’t need to fight over me.”  
”What if I get jealous?”  
”Of me or the girl?”  
  
John smiled. It wasn’t one of his old smiles, far from it, but Billy thought the little self-mockery that had been a part of his flatmates smiles ever since they met, wasn’t quite as sharp as usual.   
  __  
Just want you to know that I wish you felt… you know, safe with me…  
  
They ate slowly and John managed to finish half the smoothie. Billy had realised it was not a good idea to talk about food while eating with John. Comments made him less inclined to eat and Billy could understand that. Probably it was stressful enough knowing you should eat when you wasn’t hungry, without adding someone to watch over your shoulder at every bite.   
  
”Think I have to lay down.”  
  
Billy looked up from the sudoku. John hold his hand to his stomach.  
  
”You feel sick?”  
”Yes. But it’s not the smoothie. Guess my tummy is just weak. Could you help me to the bathroom?”  
”Of course.”  
  
They had to walk slowly. John was half-bent and shivered. Billy hardly had the time to help him kneel in front of the toilet, before he puked. It wasn’t much to throw up, actually, but his guts twisted and ached.

”I’m so sorry, Billy… I didn’t mean to…”  
”Christ… Don’t apologies, sweetheart! It’s not your fault you don’t feel well.”  
  
_And I don’t care what you say. I’m calling a doctor, no matter how pissed you’ll get._   
  
  
TBC


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Sails characters in modern time. Billy Manderly is a student and part time coffee shop worker, who share a flat with John Silver, an Aussie non-drinker working as a bartender. John is very secretive with his background, but usually a very quick talker and totally hopeless when it comes to keep order. For various reasons, some problems occur that actually shouldn’t have surprised them, but sometimes you are too close to see what’s really going on.

”Thank you, aunt Liz. Yeah, I know. Uncle Hal? Oh, but he don’t… Alright. I don’t know, he’s not been feeling very good lately. What? I’m not crying… I don’t know, he’s never talked about them. Glenelg Australia. Silver. John Silver. Alright. Yeah, I’ll make it. I’ll call, I promise. Thank you, you’re the best. Love you too. Bye.”  
  
The coffee from the hospital machine tasted awful, but he needed the caffein now. At least aunt Liz and uncle Hal knew about it now. John and Anne also. John promised he should stop by at lunch. Billy sighed. He wasn’t alone. _John_ wasn’t alone.  
  
”Billy Manderly?”  
”Yes?”  
  
He looked up. The doctor - obviously he was a doctor with his white coat and stethoscope, but the long hair and the husky voice made him look out of place. He took Billy’s hand.  
  
”I’m doctor Vane, and I understand you are here with John Silver.”  
”I am. How is he?”  
”Currently he’s sleeping. We’re making some tests but I can already tell he will have to stay for a while.”  
”What’s wrong with him?”  
”We don’t know for sure until all the tests are done and we have the results, but I can already tell you he’s malnourished and he’s not responding well emotionally.”  
”What does that mean?”  
”It’s too early to say, but from the symptoms I’d say some form of depression. And a quite severe one. You’re his partner, right?”  
”Flatmate. About a year and a half now. We’re not a couple, but we’re not friends either. I mean, we _like_ each other but…”  
”It’s complicated?”  
”You could say that, yeah.”  
”How’s he been eating lately?”  
”You mean how’s he _not_ been eating?”  
  
Doctor Vane frown and made another note on his note pad.  
  
”Is he doing any drugs?”  
”No! Absolutely not. He doesn’t even drink. What? Did you find something?”  
”No. No traces of alcohol, legal or illegal drugs. Nothing. And he has no family history with diseases, nor any signs of allergies, physical trauma or internal bleedings.”  
”What’s your point, doc?”  
”You said he’s not been eating?”  
”Not the last weeks, no. I mean, he’s had _something_ , of course, but not nearly enough. He’s tried, but he has no appetite. I’ve tried to help him but it’s so fucking hard when he doesn’t tell me anything!”  
  
Doctor Vane looked at him with a peculiar expression in his face.  
  
”Well… whatever your relationship looks like, I can tell he’s lucky to have you.”  
”Why? Because I forced him to the hospital? He’ll never forgive me.”  
”You’d be surprised to know how many who wished they’d forced their friends and loved ones to a hospital and regret they didn’t. You did right and when he gets better, he’ll understand it and be grateful for it.”  
”He will get well then?”  
”Eventually, yes. If he’s willing to accept help. Malnutrition can have a severe impact on your perception of reality and it’s very common for a depressed person to loose appetite.”  
”Shit… Should’ve known this…”  
”You’ve studied medicin or met people with these symptoms before?”  
”No.”  
”Then I’d be surprised if you knew about it. Most people live in blissful ignorance of these things before they or someone they love suffers from it.”  
”I don’t love him. We’re not a couple!”  
  
Doctor Vane smiled friendly.  
  
”I didn’t say you were. You don’t have to be a couple to love each other. I love my friends too.”  
”Can I see him?”  
”In a little while. You’ve had something to eat?”  
  
Billy shrugged and shook his head.  
  
”We were suppose to have breakfast when… Fuck!”  
  
Did doctors always carry tissues in their pockets?  
  
TBC


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Sails characters in modern time. Billy Manderly is a student and part time coffee shop worker, who share a flat with John Silver, an Aussie non-drinker working as a bartender. John is very secretive with his background, but usually a very quick talker and totally hopeless when it comes to keep order. For various reasons, some problems occur that actually shouldn’t have surprised them, but sometimes you are too close to see what’s really going on.

The rest, the care, the fluid nutrition… It all did him good. And the meds. John didn’t know what they gave him, but somehow his resistance towards help had broke down and he took the pills without question. Billy sat by his side most of the time. Didn’t ask questions, hardly spoke at all actually. He studied in silence and left every now and then for a short while.

The feelings in John’s body were… very strange. When the doctor during a visit asked him to describe ”very strange” to him, he didn’t really know what words to use.  
  
”I’ve never felt like this before, doc. It’s hard to explain…”  
”Try. Is it a good feeling?”  
”I think so. At least it’s not a bad one.”  
”You just don’t recognize it?”  
”Something like that. Or, maybe I have felt it, but not this long.”  
”Hm…”  
  
Doctor Vane frown.  
  
”From what your friend told me, I understand you’re not very comfortable with people touching you.”  
”Not really, no… Why?”  
”You have not showed any signs of that sort of discomfort towards the staff here. At least we have not registered any symptoms of that kind. Patients that have a problem with that, usually show it. And it doesn’t go off after a week.”  
”Guess you gave me really good meds.”  
”Yeah, that's the thing… We didn’t gave you any antidepressants but muscle relaxants and analgesics.”  
”Anal-what?”  
”Painkillers. How long have you been feeling like you did when your friend brought you here?”  
”Don’t know. Some weeks, I guess.”  
”And before that. How does your muscles usually feel?”  
  
John laughed.  
  
”You’re suppose to _feel_ your muscles?”  
  
When the doctor didn’t laugh, John looked very confused.  
  
”I don’t feel things like that, doc. Never had. I mean, we’re all different, right? As long as I can use my muscles it’s no big deal if I don’t feel them.”  
”How long have you, as you say, not felt your muscles?”  
”Don’t know, really.”  
”More than a year? More than five? Ten?”  
”More like fifteen.”  
”Did anything happen to you when you were, let’s see… fourteen?”  
”Nothing unusual, no.”  
”And how did your life usually look like when you were a teenager? Was it good?”  
  
John shrugged.  
  
”I managed.”  
”You managed?”  
”There are people whining about their shitty childhoods all the time, doc, and I aint gonna be one of them.”  
”It can be a problem when people complain too much, yes. But more often we have a problem with people who have real causes to complain, but remain silent.”  
”I have a good life, you know. Nothing to complain about.”  
”Despite the fact that your body is protesting so hard, you ’ve ended up here?  When your friend brought you in, you had one of the lowest amounts of cortisol and dopamine I’ve even seen in a patient of your age.”  
”I take it that’s not good…”  
”Not good? It is really worrying. It means your body and mind are so worn out from stress, they try to shut down. That’s why you don’t feel your muscles, that’s why you don’t feel the pain, despite being in it constantly. Are you comfortable with any kind of physical contact?”  
”I have no problem with it, if that’s what you mean. If I like the person, of course.”  
”Are you sexually active?”  
”Why?”  
”I realise it’s a more personal question, but if I’m to help you the best I can, I need to ask if you’ve discovered any changes in your normal behavior. You have a steady partner, or recently had one you’ve been sexually active with?”  
”No. Haven’t been with anyone in at least six months.”  
”No sexual desires?”  
”What?”  
”Depression very often have an impact on our sexual desires, much like it has on our appetite and our sleep.”  
”If you’re asking if I’ve been horny the last months, then it’s a hell of a no. And no, that’s not how it usually is. I’m no fucking goat, doc, but I like sex. Usually.”  
”Alright. You don’t have to be more specific than that.”  
” _Thank you._ ”  
  
John swallowed.  
  
”Can I sleep now, doc? I’m tired.”  
”Of course. You want Billy to be with you?”  
”Yeah… But I don’t wanna talk.”  
”I’ll tell him that.”  
  
  
TBC


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Sails characters in modern time. Billy Manderly is a student and part time coffee shop worker, who share a flat with John Silver, an Aussie non-drinker working as a bartender. John is very secretive with his background, but usually a very quick talker and totally hopeless when it comes to keep order. For various reasons, some problems occur that actually shouldn’t have surprised them, but sometimes you are too close to see what’s really going on.

John’s recovery went really well. At least the physical part. He did slap one of the nurses when she came with a brush at his hair and on one occasion he threw the cup with his meds in the wall, screaming he was tired of being ”stuffed like a fucking turky”, but otherwise he was a quite good patient. In secret, Billy considered the outbursts to be signs of progress.  
  
Being a fucking long way to travel from to Edinburgh from Liverpool, Billy asked his aunt and uncle not to worry too much. He didn’t want them to come rushing to aid, unless it was absolutely necessairy and if John didn’t want them there, it would only be awkward. Billy had asked the medical staff to see if they could find any of John’s relatives, but so far they’d found nothing and no one. First they couldn’t tell Billy very much because of professional secrecy, but the lack of information, the lack of names, spoke for itself: Billy was, in fact, the closest thing to a family or relative John had. After a signature promising secrecy, Billy was left in the doctor’s office to read some of the things John had kept to himself.  
  
Journal note: _One month old, father dead from overdose. Five months old, mother dead from drowning . (Possible suicide). Neighbor finds baby crying in the crib. Malnourished and dehydrated. Signs of severe neglection…_  
  
Headline:  _Three year old boy brought to hospital with six fractures– foster parents claim to be innocent: ”He is a very clumsy child”_  
  
Notice:  _The missing 8 year old was found thirteen miles from his foster home after a month – says he’ll kill himself if he has to return._  
  
Notice:  _Eleven year old boy has been missing for more than nine months. The social services says there are no resources: ”We have had our very best on this case, but sometimes it’s not enough”._  
  
Article title: _Missing 12 year old found after almost fourteen months. The psychiatrist in charge of the boys care says he’s ”very hard to reach”._  
  
Journal note: _The patient is recovering physically, but is not responding to the psychiatric treatment and has made several attempts to run away from the hospital. Since he refuses to meet with his foster parents, the couple have asked to have him removed from their custody. They deny any responsibility to the signs of abuse, the boy’s distant behavior or attempts to escape._ __  
  
Notice: _14 year old boy set his foster dads car on fire. At the hearing, the boy showed no signs of remorse, claiming the foster dad had shaved his head by force two days earlier and the destruction of property was his payback. The foster dad deny to have shaved the boys head by force, but during the hearing, the police discovered several cuts on the boys head, most likely caused by a very aggressive shaving with a disposable razor or some sort of sharp knife._  
  
Billy had no time to hit the toilet. He puked right down in the litter bin next to the doctor’s desk.  
  
TBC


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Sails characters in modern time. Billy Manderly is a student and part time coffee shop worker, who share a flat with John Silver, an Aussie non-drinker working as a bartender. John is very secretive with his background, but usually a very quick talker and totally hopeless when it comes to keep order. For various reasons, some problems occur that actually shouldn’t have surprised them, but sometimes you are too close to see what’s really going on.

_How do you keep going from something like that? And what kind of animals do that to a child?_ They had been at the Rackham’s Bar and the small telly was on. The news anchor reported a case of severe abuse. An nine year old girl, beaten senseless with a piece of wood by her grandmother. Billy’s comment, so natural for any human being with normal empathy, just made John shrug. _Don’t tell me you’re surprised, Billy? Humans are fucking scum, and yet we can survive almost anything. Like cockroaches._  
  
He’d been angry with John for that comment. How could he sound so calm, as if it didn’t matter? Yes, it happened awful things all the time, but it was a nine year old, for fucks sake! Her life were most likely ruined, didn’t he understand that? John’s eyes suddenly looking old, as if Billy was a naive little child. _You’re the one who don’t understand, Billy. Believe me, it’ll take a hell of a lot more to ruin that girl completely. I’m not insensitive, I simply point out the fact that it takes a whole lot of shit before an entire life is utterly ruined._  
  
Billy sat by John’s bed, trying to keep focus on a crossword. This afternoon John had been at the hospital almost nine days. He still slept a lot, but he looked better.  
  
”I can hear you thinking, sweetheart…”  
  
Billy looked up from the crossword. John had his eyes closed, but he smiled a little.  
  
”Thought you were asleep.”  
”How am I suppose to get any sleep when you’re thinking so loud?”  
”How do you know I’m thinking?”  
”You’re breathing very quite, which means your trying not to breathe loud. You always breathe loudly when you’re thinking about something you’d rather not think about. And you press your pen too hard against the crossword or sudoku, as you always do when you try to get rid of thoughts that only get louder.”  
”You know me too well.”  
”And you’re thinking about how _you_ don’t know _me_ at all.”  
  
Billy didn’t answer.  
  
”You’ve read my medical journal, haven’t you?”  
”Why do you think that?”  
”Because I know this is how you act when  you’re trying to keep your shit together. This is you knowing things you thought you should’ve figured out on your own, and you never loose it unless you find out you’ve completely misread something important to you.”  
”Important?”  
  
Billy’s voice was thick.

”You mean the _fucking world_ to me…”  
  
John opened his eyes. Billy was crying over the sudoku, a heartbreaking sound John never thought his roommate capable of producing.  
  
”You don’t even know me, Billy…”  
”I know you’re intelligent, caring and funny. I know you take your socks off everytime you sit down by the kitchen table for breakfast, but never when you have dinner on the couch and that it’s confusing to you. I know you love _Show No Mercy_ far more than _Reign In Blood_ and can spend hours discussing that with other Slayer fans, just to make them pissed. I know you make purring sounds as soon as you see a cat, and that it’s impossible to get your attention until the cat leaves.”  
  
John closed his eyes and Billy sniffled.  
  
”I know you love to cuddle, but can’t stand if someone touches your hair. I know you screamed to a one night stand that if she kept brushing her teeth on your cock, you’d go… what was it… _full gay with extra rainbow_. I know you hate fullgrain muffins and once tried to pursue Jack and Anne to hide them whenever I stopped by. I know you sometimes kiss me when you think I’m sleeping, so I try to stay awake for as long as I can, pretending to be asleep. And I know you know I’m awake…”  
  
TBC


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Sails characters in modern time. Billy Manderly is a student and part time coffee shop worker, who share a flat with John Silver, an Aussie non-drinker working as a bartender. John is very secretive with his background, but usually a very quick talker and totally hopeless when it comes to keep order. For various reasons, some problems occur that actually shouldn’t have surprised them, but sometimes you are too close to see what’s really going on.
> 
>  
> 
> (And yes... "my" characters for some reason decided it was time for a little change... I actually didn't plan it.)

Most flatmates would’ve been content with something like ”of course you matter to me, don’t be stupid”. _I don’t love him, we’re not a couple._ Nice try… _I know you make purring sounds as soon as you see a cat, and that it’s impossible to get your attention until the cat leaves._ Why make that tirade? Letting out months of words he didn’t even know he’d been holding back. Poor John. Being flushed with this emotional crap in his state.  
  
_You don’t have to look after me, Billy. We’re flatmates, nothing more._ Billy turned around, trying to compose himself from the outburst, searching for tissues… _Only because you won’t let me in..._  The firm grip from John’s hand stopped him, pulled him down and two tired arms were draped around his neck. John’s mouth, nose and eyelashes against his skin. Fingers grasping the fabric in his t-shirt, trying to get closer and the hair… The messy, curly hair covered by that stupid cotton beanie to make sure the nurses didn’t touch it… _Will I ever bury my nose in it, get my fingers tangled up in your curls? I don’t even know when you went from a weird but nice roommate to someone totally essential to my life… All I know is that we somehow skipped the friendship state…_  
  
What if this ends too soon? John clenged on to Billy, almost desperate. _And that the first time you’re kissing me for real, not just a light kiss on cheek, I’m in a fucking hospital bed looking like shit and yet you’re kissing me as if I once again was the old John with no visible weaknesses… Please don’t let fucking go of me now!_

We are flatmates. We are flatmates… and _you are taking your beanie off… you… are… letting… me… touch… your… hair… Eighteen fucking months of pushing every thought of your curls away from me and they are sliding through my hands now, I don’t care it’s not been washed for like a week or that you’ve had that fucking beanie on…_  
  
We are flatmates, not lovers and yes, sometimes when I can’t sleep I sneak into your room, looking at you sleeping/pretending you’re sleeping ’cause sometimes every ”sweetheart”, freshly brewed cup of coffee, soft gaze and tired embrace on the couch just aren’t good enough. Not by far. _I’m starving for not anyone, not someone but for you to touch me… and you are touching my hair now, closer to me than anyone has been for fifteen years..._  
  
Doctor Vane, seeing the two men through the door glass, muttered _”What is this? Fucking Tangled?”_ and hanged a ”do not disturb” sign on the door knob before he went on to the next patient.  
  
TBC


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Sails characters in modern time. Billy Manderly is a student and part time coffee shop worker, who share a flat with John Silver, an Aussie non-drinker working as a bartender. John is very secretive with his background, but usually a very quick talker and totally hopeless when it comes to keep order. For various reasons, some problems occur that actually shouldn’t have surprised them, but sometimes you are too close to see what’s really going on.
> 
>  
> 
> (And yes... "my" characters for some reason decided it was time for a little change... I actually didn't plan it.)

”Soy latte and a BLT for you, Billy. Chia seed pudding with blueberrys and a straight black for you, darling and scrambled eggs and tea for old Jack before the murdering horde of jogging mothers with their devilish children storm our fortress.”  
  
He sat at the _Colonial Dawn_. It was very early and the café hadn’t opened for business yet. Anne kept him company and Jack came out from the kitchen with a tray. Billy batted his eyelid.  
  
”You don’t like kids?”  
”Or mothers.”  
  
Anne smiled and Jack twisted his mustache.  
  
”Anne and I are not, how to say, exactly parent material. We like kids as long as they are old enough to spend their money here, but if we could put up a ”No latte moms, infants and toddlers” sign without being ruined, we would. Rigt, darling?”  
”Definately. Now, Billy, how is he?”  
  
Anne didn’t even have to say John’s name. Billy shrugged.  
  
”He’s better. Still no appetite, but at least he’s trying and he has gained a little weight.”  
”Good. When will he be released from hospital?”  
”He has a leave this weekend, but has to be back on Monday morning for tests. If the results are good he’ll be discharged,but he still has to come back regularly for continuing tests. Looking up vitimine and hormone levels, check out on the meds and stuff.”  
”How long has he been there?”  
”Two weeks and four days.”  
”And you’ve visited him every day?”  
”Of course.”  
”You don’t have school?”  
”Luckily, I have a distance course now. I can study at the hospital. And even if I couldn’t, I would not spend less time there…”  
  
Billy took a bite on his BLT and Jack put another lump of sugar in his tea.  
  
”Is it not about time the two of you just admit the obvious?”  
”The obvious?”  
”You two have claimed for an eternity there’s nothing going on between you, but frankly I’ts hard to belive that as long as you keep acting lika a mix of huffy teenagers and an old married couple towards each other.”  
  
Billy looked at Anne for support, but she just smiled friendly.  
  
”Jack’s right, you know.”  
”I don’t know… Maybe this is just stupid.”  
”Why?”  
”You know, in his condition and all. And besides, we’ve been living together for so long now… Maybe it’s better to keep it as it is.”  
  
Jack snorted.  
  
”So, after _months_ of bad attempts to not show you’re in love with him, you suddenly declare your feelings by his sickbed and less than two weeks later you’re having second thoughts? Are you planning on winning the ’crush your lovers heart and sell the pieces to highest bidder’ award? ’Cause it certainly looks like it.”  
”For fucks sake, Jack. He’s not my lover.”  
”He is theoretical.”  
  
Billy blushed. When he’d left John after confessing his feelings – since visiting hours were over for the day – he couldn’t go home and ended up knocking on Jack’s and Anne’s door, sleeping on their couch trying to calm down. Since then he and John had kissed and cuddled a little bit every time Billy went to the hospital. And every time Billy asked himself if this was really a good idea, and every time he ended up just longing for John even more.   
  
”We’re not even sleeping together…”  
  
Anne laughed.  
  
”So?”  
”I don’t know about you two, but at least in my book, you’re not lovers if you’re not having sex.”  
”But you would have if John didn’t lay in a hospital bed. Those things aren’t exactly made for sex and cuddles.”  
”Yeah, well… Now’s not really a good time for pushing anything. I’ll pick him up after lunch today and maybe have som take-away or make some light dinner tonight.”  
”We’re having a bulgur wheat salad with cherry tomatoes and grilled salmon on dinner menu tonight. We could make some packed dinner for you.”  
  
Jack nodded.  
  
”And some garlic bread. Consider it a little leave gift on our behalf.”  
”That’s really sweet of you.”  
  
Billy smiled. He had no thought of not accepting the offer. Anne and Jack had been a great support for him these weeks and they cared for John too. And frankly it would be nice not having to think about what to make for dinner tonight.   
  
TBC


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Sails characters in modern time. Billy Manderly is a student and part time coffee shop worker, who share a flat with John Silver, an Aussie non-drinker working as a bartender. John is very secretive with his background, but usually a very quick talker and totally hopeless when it comes to keep order. For various reasons, some problems occur that actually shouldn’t have surprised them, but sometimes you are too close to see what’s really going on.
> 
>  
> 
> (And yes... "my" characters for some reason decided it was time for a little change... I actually didn't plan it.)

”I wouldn’t recommend it.”  
”Why? I’m not gonna fucking break.”  
”No, I’m sure you wont.”  
”Then what’s the problem?”  
”I wouldn’t call it a problem as much as a precaution.”  
  
John sighed. Billy would pick him up in less than an hour and he wasn’t very interrested in discussing his sex life – or lack of it – with doctor Vane.  
  
”Get to the point, doc.”  
”It’s not about your physics. You’ve gained some weight, you follow your food plan and the medication seem to work quite well.”  
”But?”  
”Your dopamine and vitamine B12 levels are still low.”  
”Yeah, but you said it would take some time before they turned normal, right?”  
”I did, but medication and nutritious food wont be enough. Nor will sunshine, walks or a caring friend.”  
”I don’t get what you’re after, doc.”  
”I would like for you to meet with a psychologist.”  
  
John laughed.  
  
”Yeah right… Now I’m a looney.”  
”You have a serious depression, John. Why do you think we’ve kept you here for two weeks?”  
”But… I feel fine.”  
”Of course you do. I put you on a pretty high dose of painkillers and muscle relaxations, if you remember. The problem is, as soon as you’re off them, your cortisol level hit the roof and your dopamine level goes straight to the basement.”  
”You mean I’m actually not feeling good?”  
”No. What I mean is, I’m only treating the symptoms here. Not the cause of them. Right now there’s no wonder you’re feeling better. Your brain has literally been screaming for dopamine and serotonin for a very long time now and now it suddenly has access to it again. You know what serotonin is?”  
”Like lucky hormone?”  
”Roughly put, yes. It’s a hormone we have naturally in our bodies, that helps us dealing with difficult situations or dangerous environments without having fear or discomfort to take over. If you have too low levels, it can be difficult to deal with even very basic parts of your life, not to mention more severe problems. And if you, like in your case, also have a quite low dopamine level, it can be very difficult to persuade oneself to do things that increases those levels. You understand what I mean?”  
”That I feel like crap due to too low hormone levels and that I can’t raise them without being happy, but the levels are preventing me to raise them, since I can’t like… feel happy?”  
”Partly, yes.”  
”But you said you didn’t gave me that kind of pills.”  
”Not initially and it takes time before they make you feel any differance. You’ve had it for about a week now, along with a temporary medicin to make it easier for you in the meantime.”   
  
John felt confused. Very confused, actually. The doctor frown.  
  
”When was the last time you felt happy? And by happy I mean relaxed, content and safe, without being in pain or feeling anxious, uncomfortable or lonely.”  
”You mean not feeling any of that?”  
”Yes. Not small things like feeling lonely for a couple of days, or worry for a school test or other things most people get frustrated about. I’m talking about a general discomfort with life. When was the last time you felt more content with your life than malcontent?”  
”The second semester with Billy, when we came back from christmas break. That was quite nice.”  
”Did you went home for the holiday?”  
”Our apartment is my home. Look, I really don’t understand what this talk of hormones and stuff has to do with me getting laid and eating or not?”  
”Because I believe you’ve been unhappy for a very long time and learned how to shut down your emotions not to get hurt.”  
”Fuck you, doc.”  
”I believe you ended up here because your flatmate refused to ignore symptoms you couldn’t interpret yourself and that you’re so used to ignore your needs and feelings, you don’t recognize some of them anymore.”  
”Just shut up!”  
”And that is why I don’t think it’s a very good idea for you to get too intimate with anyone right now. It’s very likely your body wont respond as usual and in your condition that could increase your anxiety. Which is exactly the opposite of what we’re trying to do.”  
”So, no sex?”  
”No sex, no stress, no alcohol and no crowded parties.”  
”Thought I was suppose to feel better?”  
  
He realised he sounded even more ironic than usual. Doctor Vanes advices didn’t seem too stupid, but talking about emotions made John feel dangerously close to subjects he didn’t want to share with anyone and making stupid jokes was a way to keep calm. The doctor smiled.  
  
”You’ll get a list with times and doses of your medications to bring with you, along with the pills. And if you feel worse, you  or your friend need to call the clinic right away. We’ll expect you back here Monday morning before breakfast to do some tests.”  
”When will I leave for good?”  
”It depends. We can’t force you to accept treatment, but I strongly recommend you give it a serious try before dismissing it. I understand it’s not very pleasant to be in a hospital, but in your condition you’ll get out of here a lot quicker if you feel well enough not to risk a second round with the IV treatment. So, no rush, okay?”  
”Point taken.”  
  
The doctor looked at his watch.  
  
”Your partner will be here in ten.”  
”He’s still not my partner. We’re friends.”  
”Well... I guess some people make out with their buddies.”  
”Shut up.”  
  
He blushed. And smiled a little. Doctor Vane smiled too and rose from his chair.   
  
”You have a nice weekend now and try to remember what I said about precaution.”  
”Don’t worry, I wont get pregnant.”    
  
TBC


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Sails characters in modern time. Billy Manderly is a student and part time coffee shop worker, who share a flat with John Silver, an Aussie non-drinker working as a bartender. John is very secretive with his background, but usually a very quick talker and totally hopeless when it comes to keep order. For various reasons, some problems occur that actually shouldn’t have surprised them, but sometimes you are too close to see what’s really going on.

”If I hear the words ’take it easy’, ’in your condition’ or ’symptoms’ even _once_ tonight, I will scream and possibly break up with you.”  
  
Billy tried not to laugh. John looked so funny (and cute) laying on the balcony floor with his sunglasses on, lapping the evening sun and sounding as if he’d been released from prison.  
  
”Would you like a drink, then?”  
”If there’s no booze in it, it’s not a drink. I’m the bartender here.”  
”And the non-drinker.”  
”Should have told that fucking doctor I don’t drink.”  
”He had quite a list of stuff you couldn’t do, I guess.”  
”No shit. Quickly, give me that fake drink before he calls and tell me to stay off pineapples. I swear he’d chain me to that fucking hospital bed the rest of the summer and I’ve already missed half of it.”  
”And I’ve missed having you home, sweetheart.”  
  
Billy sat down and touched John’s cheek. His flatmate/whatever the fuck looked up.   
  
”Missed you too… darling.”  
  
They went silent for a while, as if none of them knew where they stood. Making out in a hospital bed and Billy confessing his feelings, what did that make them? Billy didn’t want to make another move without being sure and John knew that. He took Billy’s hand.  
  
”All of this feels quite strange, you know. And in the same time it’s not… If you get me?”  
”Think I do.”  
”I mean, I can’t fuck.”  
”I know.”  
”The doc told you?”  
”I actually figured that one out myself.”  
”Oh…”  
  
Billy smiled.  
  
”Even if we’d been fuck buddies or partners, it would’ve been a really stupid thing to do right now.”  
”Probably. And the meds really don’t make me horny, I tell you that.”  
”Are you rather horny than relaxed?”  
”Not being relaxed didn’t exactly made me horny either.”  
”Good point.”  
  
John slowly stroke Billy’s hand.  
  
”Do you remember why we started this?”  
”Started what?”  
”You know, the cuddling. The silly pet names…”  
”Oh… Now that you mention it, I’m not sure.”  
”Me neither. I guess it somehow just felt natural…”  
”It did. Still does.”  
”Yeah... I’ve always felt more comfortable cuddling with you than anyone else, for some reason.”  
  
Billy swallowed.  
  
”That thing at the hospital… What I said to you… I’m really sorry if I made things weird.”  
”Well, it was unexpected, can’t deny that… I mean, you know I’m not exactly comfortable with feelings of any kind. But I understand your frustration, I really do. Have thought about it quite much, actually.”  
”You know you don’t owe me anything, right? I really didn’t mean to have an outburst like that, but I couldn’t help myself. I still mean evey word I said, but I shouldn’t have put it that way.”  
”It’s okay, Billy. Maybe that was the only way to make me listen…”  
  
John bit his lip.  
  
”I’m not a very… easy person to have around, but I hardly need to tell you that. I try to listen, you know, even when it doesn’t seem like it. It’s just that I don’t know how to act with people who’re… you know, _close_. This sounds fucking pathetic, but you’re the closest thing I’ve had to a family and frankly it scares the shit out of me.”  
”What’s so scary about it?”  
”A lot. We getting closer, being more involved. Things getting fucked up and you leaving me or me leaving you. Whatever it is we have being fucking destroyed and I don’t think I could take that.”  
”So you’re shutting me out?”  
”Thought it would be for the best if you didn’t know too much.”  
”A blissful ignorance…”  
”Kind of, yeah…”  
”Only it’s nothing blissful about seeing someone you love feeling like shit and not knowing how to help. It just fucking hurts.”   
  
TBC  



	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Sails characters in modern time. Billy Manderly is a student and part time coffee shop worker, who share a flat with John Silver, an Aussie non-drinker working as a bartender. John is very secretive with his background, but usually a very quick talker and totally hopeless when it comes to keep order. For various reasons, some problems occur that actually shouldn’t have surprised them, but sometimes you are too close to see what’s really going on.
> 
> This is the final chapter.

”You’re sure about this?”  
”No, stupid, I think I’ll need at least eighteen more months to think about it! Are _you_ sure?”  
”What about the doctor’s orders?”  
”He never said anything about making out.”  
”Then I’m sure.”  
”So?”  
”So what?”  
”Kiss me, dammit!”  
  
Kiss me dammit… _Why have a kitchen table in perfect height for me to sit on, having your groin brush and thrust against my cock, your lips kissing my mouth if we’re not using it? Fuck, Billy… I knew yours were above average, but this is... even with clothes on I can tell this is worth waiting for. I only hope I don’t disappoint you. Noone has complained about that before, but I just realised I have no fucking idea what kind of guys you’ve fucked – or if I’m the first, even if we’re not actually fucking…_  
  
”Think the bed would be more comfy…?”  
”But we can’t do very much, Billy.”  
”No, but wouldn’t it be nice to do what little we can do in a place with a little less sharp edges?”  
”Good point.”  
”I have my bright moments…”  
  
_Like the moment I suddenly forgot I told the doc that we’re not lovers, only to make out with you later_? _We’ve shared a bed many times and of course I didn’t care to ask why I was hard when I woke up. It’s not like morning wood isn’t something that just happens, regardless of sleeping alone or not. It happened to both of us and we laughed at it. Technically the doc was right. We’re not lovers, but I kind of forgot to mention I wish we were…_  
  
A bed sure was a better place for cuddles. _I’m still so fucking scrawny, Billy… my hip bones can’t feel very nice, and yet you pull me closer. It’s all so familiar, this feeling… Your warm, strong body cuddling me to rest, making me relax and feel a little bit safe for a while. It’s true we can’t do that much physically, but in some way this is closer than any girl has come to me. The way you touch me, that tells my fucked up brain you actually care for more than your own release._  
  
They didn’t speak. All that could be heard from Billy’s room, were little sounds of pleasure. Sighs, quiet laughters, kisses, some clothes coming off… After all, the doc never said anything about no skin to skin contact.  
  
Between the kisses, Billy tried not to think about whether this was a bad idea or not. John had never sounded so pleased, felt so relaxed and… present before. It felt right, felt good to give in for the urge when it was so clear that John wanted this just as much as he did. _We’re not strangers to each other, John. I don’t pretend I know you very well, but I know enough to know the difference between needing a quick relief and needing to be with you. Needing it so much that I’ll wait ’til you can go a bit further…_    
  
John moaned softly, a sound that made Billy’s heart ache. Having to restrain themselves was hard, but to know that the need, the wanting, the lust was there after all this time, despite everything that John went through and still had to struggle with for a very long time, despite the two of them being used to each other sent strikes with pleasure through Billy’s body. John buried his face against Billy’s chest and sighed with content. _I ignored my feelings for so long I didn’t recognize what I felt for you, Billy. It wont be easy and I think you know that just as well as I do. But thank you, for putting out with me, for pulling me closer when I shut you out, for not breaking down more of my bonderies than necessairy, but waiting in patience for me to let you in… I haven’t prepared a place yet, but at least I know it belongs to you. No one but you._  
  
**THE END**


End file.
